To Hell and Back

Is there a reason I would want to do a half mile uphill walk in 95 degree weather with a matching humidity then cram myself into a little room and stand patiently in line?

Ray’s Hell Burger is about a half mile up the hill from the Rosslyn Metro station in a non-descript strip mall along Wilson Boulevard. The place is small. The line to place the order hovers over the people sitting on one side of the room. And there is always a line. And there are always people standing around waiting for a table after their orders are placed. And there are runners hurrying around yelling out order numbers and contorting themselves to squeeze through cluster of people and tables with trays of food. But there is always free aroma of meat on grill as you wait.

Ray’s sells only one thing: A 10 oz burger. However, the customization is up to you: 4 grilling options, grilled, au poivre, blackened, diablo; cheeses from basic American to Époisse de Bourgogne; toppings from lettuce, tomato, onions to seared foie gras with truffle oil or roasted bone marrow with persillade; then pile on fries, coleslaw or seven cheese mac n’cheese as sides.

The 4 grill options, 14 cheeses, and 18 toppings have temporary stunned the Tourist Tree and put the Doctor Professor’s brain into overdrive.



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

There are times when you put two pluses together and get plus²; there are times the pluses are so strong that they just cancel each other out. I considered having a burger with the foie and Époisse. In a rare moment of sanity and logical thinking, I decided against that. I have had burgers with foie; I have had burgers with exotic delicacies. In past experiences, one component (mainly the meat) completely dominated the other (the exotic), therefore had killed whatsoever taste, flavor or texture what the delicacy had to offer. The expensive ingredient became a bragging right instead of contributing anything to the experience except the bottom line on the bill.

As a man of self-restrain, I had my Hell burger with au poivre, lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, charred jalapeños, cognac and sherry sautéed mushrooms, Applewood smoked bacon and the “King of Cheese”.

My burger arrived with the meat coated with a black peppercorn crust and uniform grill marks sitting on pieces of Applewood bacon with the Époisse oozing underneath it. The jalapeños, grilled onions, and mushrooms were piled atop the top bun sitting open face occupying the rest of the plate.

It was a good size burger. Big, thick, and attractive. The toasted potato-brioche roll was nice to touch. Spongy yet firm to hold everything in and able to keep the juice and grease from soaking thought. The initial bite brought me into the exotic land of black peppercorns crusting a well grilled burger. The spice just exploded into the mouth followed by a river of juice carrying the flavor of the meat and the stinky gooey Époisse as intense and as rapid as a Blitzkrieg. The meat did not have the most intense flavor but it was house-grinded to an ideal graininess and hand-packed to the pecfert density. Along with a hefty thickness, this burger provided a very satisfactory bite for the mouth.

I must admit that although I love the Époisse de Bourgogne, this was the first time I had this “king of cheese” on a burger. Its intense flavor profile worked very well with the grilled patty, except it was melting so rapidly that more cheese was on the plate than on the meat and eventually, it became a dipping sauce.
 
Each bite of the burger would bring me new discoveries depending on where the toppings were placed. The sweetness from the grilled onions, the smoky spiciness and the firm texture of the charred jalapeños, and the crisp Applewood smoked bacon…Oh, bacon…need I say more?
 

A burger is not a burger without fries. We had very nice sweet potato fries with our meal. There were just about every sauce imaginable on the table but I found some BBQ sauce only available from the dispenser by the take-out supply counter that went so well with the fries.
 
For the record, Tourist Tree had an au poivre burger, lettuce, tomato, grilled onions, cognac and sherry sautéed mushrooms. I am not sure if she had the same experience as I had since she ate the burger sans bun. Burger is a finger food, eating it with utensils and without the bread is just not quite the same. Regardless, the Tourist Tree enjoyed her burger, her way.
 

So the road to Hell was worth the Bataan death march in the summer heat. The burger was a very satisfying meal and probably one of the more exciting varieties that I have had this year. No wonder POUS and the Veep have been known to stop there for lunch and POUS even took Medvedev there for a hamburger summit;….traveling there in a convoy of air-con limos.
 
The road back from Hell was more bearable with the walk downhill and the sun not beating on us directly. We also know that we were heading to cool brews to help digest our burgers and to keep our body temperatures at a reasonable level.




Ray’s Hell Burger, 1713 Wilson Blvd., Arlington, VA
(A newer space with table service is opened 2 doors down. Food is the same but not sure if the experience would be)